Something about being sassy

Christina Hendricks. First episode of Mad Men. I see her. Red head. Big eyes. Tight dress. Moves gracefully. Sixties fashion. A combination of display feminine physical weakness and submission as well the powerful sexuality. Now I know some see it oppressive product of patriarchal upbringing. But I found that image, that character very attractive. As a man, I would love to meet her and wish to have a girlfriend like her. More surprisingly, my alter ego, Rebecca Watson, wants to be like her.

It is a twisted and weird desire. Wanting to be with someone and also wanting to be that person. Two minds. One body. It’s not limited to Christina Hendricks’ character. Most women in “Mad Men” are ultra feminine. I love them. I want to be with them. I also want to be like one of them.

If given a choice, it would be very difficult for me to choose which one will make me happier – having one of them as lover and being one of them. Had you ever felt that way? Who were those women? In real life, I feel Eva Longoria, Jennifer Lopez, and many other Latinas fit my imagination. Have you met a woman and immediately felt confused by such contradictory desires?

I want to be masculine and tough guy who makes love to them. The other side of me also want to walk around, make cute hand gestures, move my hips swiftly as my high heels make sound and I feel surreal. Like I am in another world. Is it escapism? Some says feeling of escapism is triggered when one is not happy with oneself or the circumstances he/she is in. Am I not happy being man? Mostly, I am. Then why the need to escape it?

Some answers are never known. I find painting my lips red with a lipstick more interesting than this philosophical debate in my mind. Christina Hendricks, please save me and help me become you.

Rebecca x