I want to thank this page that shared my story with its followers. #Gratitude #GoodPeople
In a state like the one I described above, how can a straight crossdresser make future predictions and have dreams? I am strictly talking about future predictions and dreams that involve and are related to crossdressing element.
Even though, I haven’t had crossdressed for almost two years now, I have been frequently checking crossdressing videos, images and blogs. In these visits to such websites, I have no intention to be one of the crossdressers. Rather I go back to these websites trying to understand why these men are still into crossdressing. My mind is filled with questions like why they want to put on feminine act and pretend to be a woman. I know I have been there. However, I didn’t know the reason myself. So I wonder if these men are as clueless as I was.
I question my past actions. I remember I had spent some good money when I was in college on makeup, wig, heels and dresses. What was so tempting about these things? Why did I do that?
As I am bombarded by these questions, my sight falls on my own body. It is really getting masculine. I’m not scared now like I used to. I guess there is an acceptance in my mind and heart. It’s hairy. It is not in ideal shape. Bad eating and sleeping habits has ruined my body. I don’t look my age. I look older and big. Then for a moment, I wonder what if I had a lean body that was ideal when I am dressed as a man as well as a woman. Another thought follows – what if my career was going well, if my family problems were less complicated, if my social life was active, if I earned enough, if I was in love with a woman and not so lonely, and if I had a normal life with little to worry about.
If the life described above becomes a reality, and in absence of depression, would I resume crossdressing?
My heart says, “Yes.”
I am thinking of times during college. 2011. I am stuck in past. Momentarily, though. It is 2:05 AM. I am alone in my bedroom. It’s quite cold. I can hear the sound of distant speeding vehicles on highway. My brother is watching a popular film on TV. Dogs bark occasionally. I tried chatting with a pretty girl and it seems she has fallen asleep now. Not her fault. She had a long, tiring day at work. She needs rest. On the other hand, my mind is thinking on so many different levels.
I miss 2011 sometimes. Life has changed. I haven’t cross dressed since 2013. It feels as if I am different person now. I no longer get the craving of silky long smooth hair wigs, a feeling of bra strap on my back, the softness of feminine under garments, the delicate clothes, the powerful and overwhelming high heels, the smell of lipstick and the act of painting my lips red. I am no longer there – in the phase.
Life is strange.
I had young skin. Boyish features. I was fit.
I am old now. Over weight. I have masculine features that are hard to hide. Some of hair is grey. My facial skin is ruined because of shaving accidents. I am just 27 now and yet, I feel old.
I turn on my laptop sometimes. Go to that folder with computer-like name. It has my pictures. Not many have seen them. I feel as if it is my treasure. It means so much to me. I click and open the folder. So many pictures. I was young and stupid. But, I think I was beautiful. I did what I can with what I had. I smile and find it funny that no one ever thought that there was this side to me.
Once when I was Rebecca Watson…
A few months ago, I asked my friend what she thinks of “men who like to dress-up like girls”. Her response was – “I don’t have any to do or say about such people”. It is strange how a piece of cloth and makeup, or an accessory wore by a man can suddenly change people’s perception about him.
Another incident that happened to me last week – I was with my friends, having dinner. Sometimes, my lips tend to appear pink and that gives it a feminine look; or that is what my friends say. In middle of our conversation, one of my female friend giggled and said – “you will feel bad when I tell you this… but your lips looks like you’ve applied lip gloss”. First thing, I was flattered. Second, I know this isn’t an insult. But then, can you sense the underlying, subtle thoughts? Why the giggling? Why she thought I should feel bad about it? Why there isn’t a sincere, appreciative gesture? I feel it is, again, a form of being perceived as “inferior” just because I somehow displayed a feminine aspect of my physical self. Or may be I’m just over-thinking!
I am saddened by the fact that I never met a girl in my life that isn’t fond of cross-dressers and still encourages and takes it positively, rather than seeing it being inferior, laughable, funny or demeaning. Of course, girls who like cross-dressers do not count because they, obviously, don’t see this as disrespectful or funny. What I would really like to see is a woman or a girl who isn’t into cross-dressing men and still sees it positively and considers it normal.