I want to thank this page that shared my story with its followers. #Gratitude #GoodPeople
In a state like the one I described above, how can a straight crossdresser make future predictions and have dreams? I am strictly talking about future predictions and dreams that involve and are related to crossdressing element.
Even though, I haven’t had crossdressed for almost two years now, I have been frequently checking crossdressing videos, images and blogs. In these visits to such websites, I have no intention to be one of the crossdressers. Rather I go back to these websites trying to understand why these men are still into crossdressing. My mind is filled with questions like why they want to put on feminine act and pretend to be a woman. I know I have been there. However, I didn’t know the reason myself. So I wonder if these men are as clueless as I was.
I question my past actions. I remember I had spent some good money when I was in college on makeup, wig, heels and dresses. What was so tempting about these things? Why did I do that?
As I am bombarded by these questions, my sight falls on my own body. It is really getting masculine. I’m not scared now like I used to. I guess there is an acceptance in my mind and heart. It’s hairy. It is not in ideal shape. Bad eating and sleeping habits has ruined my body. I don’t look my age. I look older and big. Then for a moment, I wonder what if I had a lean body that was ideal when I am dressed as a man as well as a woman. Another thought follows – what if my career was going well, if my family problems were less complicated, if my social life was active, if I earned enough, if I was in love with a woman and not so lonely, and if I had a normal life with little to worry about.
If the life described above becomes a reality, and in absence of depression, would I resume crossdressing?
My heart says, “Yes.”
I am thinking of times during college. 2011. I am stuck in past. Momentarily, though. It is 2:05 AM. I am alone in my bedroom. It’s quite cold. I can hear the sound of distant speeding vehicles on highway. My brother is watching a popular film on TV. Dogs bark occasionally. I tried chatting with a pretty girl and it seems she has fallen asleep now. Not her fault. She had a long, tiring day at work. She needs rest. On the other hand, my mind is thinking on so many different levels.
I miss 2011 sometimes. Life has changed. I haven’t cross dressed since 2013. It feels as if I am different person now. I no longer get the craving of silky long smooth hair wigs, a feeling of bra strap on my back, the softness of feminine under garments, the delicate clothes, the powerful and overwhelming high heels, the smell of lipstick and the act of painting my lips red. I am no longer there – in the phase.
Life is strange.
I had young skin. Boyish features. I was fit.
I am old now. Over weight. I have masculine features that are hard to hide. Some of hair is grey. My facial skin is ruined because of shaving accidents. I am just 27 now and yet, I feel old.
I turn on my laptop sometimes. Go to that folder with computer-like name. It has my pictures. Not many have seen them. I feel as if it is my treasure. It means so much to me. I click and open the folder. So many pictures. I was young and stupid. But, I think I was beautiful. I did what I can with what I had. I smile and find it funny that no one ever thought that there was this side to me.
Once when I was Rebecca Watson…
I hope you all are doing well. I have been away, not because I was busy but because I am so lazy.
I was doing a mental review of what I had done last year pertaining to my CD life. And I realised that I had slowly came out to many people, unknowingly. This was not planned. In year 2012, I came out to 2 people. In 2013, I came out and told about my crossdressing habit to 4 people. I know the number is not that big but I feel it is a progress. I also realised that most of the people I have told were females. It seems like I am more comfortable coming out to women than men. Do you also share same feelings?
I have not yet told to my family members and even some of my close male friends. Though, I have not been dressing since June 2013, partly because I have gotten rid of my girlie stuff, I have been regularly in touch with “feminine side” by visiting different blogs, watching YouTube videos and so on.
I have no idea what 2014 hold for me. All I want to do this year is to lose a LOT of weight and get back in shape. I also want to take care of my skin. I hope to “transform” myself into a skinny, muscular guy so that I can also fit into small girlie outfits. 😉
I guess I went from coming out analysis to weight gain issues. Haha! So sorry for that. I hope I write more this year.
Thanks for reading.