I confessed that I no longer have desire to crossdress in my previous blog entry. I also mentioned the reason. The changes in body from boyish features to masculine features, the stress around work and personal life, and depression.
In a state like the one I described above, how can a straight crossdresser make future predictions and have dreams? I am strictly talking about future predictions and dreams that involve and are related to crossdressing element.
Even though, I haven’t had crossdressed for almost two years now, I have been frequently checking crossdressing videos, images and blogs. In these visits to such websites, I have no intention to be one of the crossdressers. Rather I go back to these websites trying to understand why these men are still into crossdressing. My mind is filled with questions like why they want to put on feminine act and pretend to be a woman. I know I have been there. However, I didn’t know the reason myself. So I wonder if these men are as clueless as I was.
I question my past actions. I remember I had spent some good money when I was in college on makeup, wig, heels and dresses. What was so tempting about these things? Why did I do that?
As I am bombarded by these questions, my sight falls on my own body. It is really getting masculine. I’m not scared now like I used to. I guess there is an acceptance in my mind and heart. It’s hairy. It is not in ideal shape. Bad eating and sleeping habits has ruined my body. I don’t look my age. I look older and big. Then for a moment, I wonder what if I had a lean body that was ideal when I am dressed as a man as well as a woman. Another thought follows – what if my career was going well, if my family problems were less complicated, if my social life was active, if I earned enough, if I was in love with a woman and not so lonely, and if I had a normal life with little to worry about.
If the life described above becomes a reality, and in absence of depression, would I resume crossdressing?
My heart says, “Yes.”