Transient life, transient humans

We are transient — travelling from one state to another, and sometimes combination of different states at once.

Hello once again.

Sharing this blog with someone reminded me that it’s been long time since I haven’t written anything. I won’t give any excuse frankly. I guess this is me. I’m not committed. I wrote last actual blog in May 2016. Close to four years I didn’t write anything.

Here are some updates.

Somewhere around October 2016, I bought new stuff all over again. I had purged all the girly stuff in 2013. Three years after that, I decided to give it a try again. I went all in. Not one outfit, not two — but around 6-7 outfits. I researched — figured out different styles. So, it was mix batch of traditional Indian outfits and western. I also ended up buying close to five wigs of different hair lengths. A female friend from college came with me for an entire day, and we shopped for an entire day. She’s an angel. I’m sure she was pretty exhausted by the end of the day, but she didn’t complain.

Around same time in November 2016, I matched with this girl on Tinder. She’s in film-making. She was curious to understand me. Surprisingly, she asked me if I wanted to buy new makeup set because I have already shopped for clothes a month before. I didn’t really have to think. It was a yes within seconds. We went to a local beauty shop, and she guided me with the things I might need. While buying clothes with my college friend I wasn’t so conscious as we didn’t let anyone know that the clothes were for me. We pretended as if my college friend is buying it for herself. It was comfortable and safe. However, this time — the saleswoman knew. She knew that the makeup was for me. For first fifteen minutes of discomfort and awkwardness, she could tell I wasn’t so keen and looked distracted. So, the friend who was with me jumped in and made things easier. The saleswoman was also very kind. It took time but by the end of shopping experience, I had forgotten about the discomfort I had in the beginning.

This friend who worked in films also offered to let me keep my stuff at her place. I used to stay with my family, so I was constantly worried that they will find the bag which had all my girly stuff. She knew about it. So, she offered to help.

In the same month, I went to her place. We knew why we were meeting. We met on Tinder. So, of course, we were meeting, not to hook up — but to dress me up! How exciting! Haha! I was going to dress almost after three years. I was so excited and nervous simultaneously. Things had moved to fast. I met this girl ten days ago, she already helped me buy makeup and now I was about dress up as a woman in front of her. It was combination of both nervousness and excitement.

I tried different outfits and wigs. Some were disappointment. Some fit well. She put makeup on me. I find these moments special. Almost spiritual and sacred. I feel more close to woman when she does this to me. It’s magical. The idea of a woman transforming me into a woman — appearance wise. To those who have read my previous blog posts — they already know that I don’t really act feminine whether I’m dressed as a woman or otherwise. I’m just “a guy in a dress”. That’s who I’m. I am not gender-fluid. I’m not non-binary. I can’t relate to these labels/identities. I’m just a guy who sometimes love getting dressed in clothes that are traditionally assigned to women.

A perfect romantic life for me would be a woman who dresses me up and loves me for that very thing.

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I’m yet to experience that feeling. Reminds me of a dialogue from film “Before Sunrise”. I always felt inadequate and incomplete because I never had the feeling of being loved for the feminine part of me. I wish there were women who were madly and crazily in love with this idea — to find men in women’s outfits attractive and to make love to them — to find them irresistible and beautiful.

Let me shed the burden of masculinity for sometime. Love me. Hold me. Let me feel helpless and weak for some times Because that’s who we are sometimes. It has nothing to do with gender. I love being man but sometimes I want to feel different. Take care of me for sometime. Protect me. Comfort me. I’ll try my best to dress up for you, my love. I will dress up in clothes that you want me to wear. I’ll cook for you. But for sometime — let me take on your role and you take mine. Let me also feel… precious.

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I promise on other times, and most of the time, I will be that guy you want. I’ll love you, give up important things that matter to me for you, make sure you are alright. But would you please sometimes hug me, love me — intensely? When I’m dressed in the prettiest outfit there is and your eyes scanning me and loving me for the feminine role I have taken on.

Women I know who liked cross-dressing men didn’t have this intense form of attraction or desire. It was always as if they were “okay with it”.

That’s all.

Sigh.

Sometimes I can be so selfish.

Fast-forward four years, I came out to more female friends. Met many women on dating apps who weren’t romantically interested in me — but were curious to know me and be my friend. No regrets. I’m glad I’ve some of these friends who care about me.

The reason for writing this blog was to share how transient I’ve been. I am sometimes dying to dress up, sometimes hate for feeling that way, sometimes angry and confused, and sometimes completely indifferent. I’m 32 now. I have learnt there is not one way to feel about something your entire life. Feelings change. Of course, there are some exceptions. With cross-dressing, I have now settled with this mindset — it’s going to be full of contradictory feelings — on and off. I guess I have to live at the moment and let the feelings be.

It’s not permanent, and it never has been.

Story of Crossdressers from ancient India

Here is a fascinating article on unknown aspects of Indian history that celebrated performance of male crossdressers:

To read article, click here.

Song for straight crossdressers

So I found this amazing song by NOFX. It’s called “I’m a Transves-Lite”.

Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgEsf8JYqVA

The lyrics given below:

I first heard Frank say
He wanted to dress like Faye Wray
I wanted that too but what could I do
In junior high school in LA?
My heart skipped in the scene
He said you gotta be it, not just dream
It was a taboo I knew I wouldn’t pursue
I didn’t have the self-esteem

I gotta confess that I like to cross dress
And I’ve been doing it since I was 13
It’s hard to tell bros that you wear women’s clothes
Even in the “open-minded” punk scene
You’d probably get hurt in heels and a skirt
When you’re in the middle of a circle pit
So I’d only wear panties under boxers to keep it all a secret
Now I’m telling everyone ’cause it’s fun and I don’t give a shit

Forward 30 years
I still had the same fears
Then I saw Hedwig play at Bilgewater’s gig
And I felt the same envy and tears
I decided right there
I can’t be bothered to care
What other people think, I’m gonna dye my pubes pink
And throw out all my Hanes underwear

I’m not transgender, I’m a lazy crossdresser
Who thinks makeup is too much of an ordeal
I paint my toes and wear shiny tight clothes
Not for the look, but how it makes me feel
I don’t need things just right, I’m a tranvest-lite
I only shave to do the Time Warp midnight Saturday
I’m done with self-pity, I don’t have to feel shitty
‘Cause I wanna look pretty, so I give it the old city College try
Don’t get me wrong, I still wanna be a guy
Who sometimes likes to dress like a girl
(He sometimes likes to wear diamonds and pearls)
Don’t think I don’t know I’m not fooling anyone
(He’s a cross between Adele and Charlie Chaplin)
You gotta know it’s not just girls who just wanna have fun!

Something about being sassy

Christina Hendricks. First episode of Mad Men. I see her. Red head. Big eyes. Tight dress. Moves gracefully. Sixties fashion. A combination of display feminine physical weakness and submission as well the powerful sexuality. Now I know some see it oppressive product of patriarchal upbringing. But I found that image, that character very attractive. As a man, I would love to meet her and wish to have a girlfriend like her. More surprisingly, my alter ego, Rebecca Watson, wants to be like her.

It is a twisted and weird desire. Wanting to be with someone and also wanting to be that person. Two minds. One body. It’s not limited to Christina Hendricks’ character. Most women in “Mad Men” are ultra feminine. I love them. I want to be with them. I also want to be like one of them.

If given a choice, it would be very difficult for me to choose which one will make me happier – having one of them as lover and being one of them. Had you ever felt that way? Who were those women? In real life, I feel Eva Longoria, Jennifer Lopez, and many other Latinas fit my imagination. Have you met a woman and immediately felt confused by such contradictory desires?

I want to be masculine and tough guy who makes love to them. The other side of me also want to walk around, make cute hand gestures, move my hips swiftly as my high heels make sound and I feel surreal. Like I am in another world. Is it escapism? Some says feeling of escapism is triggered when one is not happy with oneself or the circumstances he/she is in. Am I not happy being man? Mostly, I am. Then why the need to escape it?

Some answers are never known. I find painting my lips red with a lipstick more interesting than this philosophical debate in my mind. Christina Hendricks, please save me and help me become you.

Rebecca x

 

Thank you, Humans of Thane

I want to thank this page that shared my story with its followers. #Gratitude #GoodPeople

Future and Dreams of a Straight Crossdresser

I confessed that I no longer have desire to crossdress in my previous blog entry. I also mentioned the reason. The changes in body from boyish features to masculine features, the stress around work and personal life, and depression.

In a state like the one I described above, how can a straight crossdresser make future predictions and have dreams? I am strictly talking about future predictions and dreams that involve and are related to crossdressing element.

Even though, I haven’t had crossdressed for almost two years now, I have been frequently checking crossdressing videos, images and blogs. In these visits to such websites, I have no intention to be one of the crossdressers. Rather I go back to these websites trying to understand why these men are still into crossdressing. My mind is filled with questions like why they want to put on feminine act and pretend to be a woman. I know I have been there. However, I didn’t know the reason myself. So I wonder if these men are as clueless as I was.

I question my past actions. I remember I had spent some good money when I was in college on makeup, wig, heels and dresses. What was so tempting about these things? Why did I do that?

As I am bombarded by these questions, my sight falls on my own body. It is really getting masculine. I’m not scared now like I used to. I guess there is an acceptance in my mind and heart. It’s hairy. It is not in ideal shape. Bad eating and sleeping habits has ruined my body. I don’t look my age. I look older and big. Then for a moment, I wonder what if I had a lean body that was ideal when I am dressed as a man as well as a woman. Another thought follows – what if my career was going well, if my family problems were less complicated, if my social life was active, if I earned enough, if I was in love with a woman and not so lonely, and if I had a normal life with little to worry about.

If the life described above becomes a reality, and in absence of depression, would I resume crossdressing?

My heart says, “Yes.”

Island of crossdressing

2015 it is. Valentine’s day.

I am thinking of times during college. 2011. I am stuck in past. Momentarily, though. It is 2:05 AM. I am alone in my bedroom. It’s quite cold. I can hear the sound of distant speeding vehicles on highway. My brother is watching a popular film on TV. Dogs bark occasionally. I tried chatting with a pretty girl and it seems she has fallen asleep now. Not her fault. She had a long, tiring day at work. She needs rest. On the other hand, my mind is thinking on so many different levels.

I miss 2011 sometimes. Life has changed. I haven’t cross dressed since 2013. It feels as if I am different person now. I no longer get the craving of silky long smooth hair wigs, a feeling of bra strap on my back, the softness of feminine under garments, the delicate clothes, the powerful and overwhelming high heels, the smell of lipstick and the act of painting my lips red. I am no longer there – in the phase.

Life is strange.

I had young skin. Boyish features. I was fit.

I am old now. Over weight. I have masculine features that are hard to hide. Some of hair is grey. My facial skin is ruined because of shaving accidents. I am just 27 now and yet, I feel old.

I turn on my laptop sometimes. Go to that folder with computer-like name. It has my pictures. Not many have seen them. I feel as if it is my treasure. It means so much to me. I click and open the folder. So many pictures. I was young and stupid. But, I think I was beautiful. I did what I can with what I had. I smile and find it funny that no one ever thought that there was this side to me.

Once when I was Rebecca Watson…

Gradual Coming Out Journey

Hello once again!

I hope you all are doing well. I have been away, not because I was busy but because I am so lazy.

I was doing a mental review of what I had done last year pertaining to my CD life. And I realised that I had slowly came out to many people, unknowingly. This was not planned. In year 2012, I came out to 2 people. In 2013, I came out and told about my crossdressing habit to 4 people. I know the number is not that big but I feel it is a progress. I also realised that most of the people I have told were females. It seems like I am more comfortable coming out to women than men. Do you also share same feelings?

I have not yet told to my family members and even some of my close male friends. Though, I have not been dressing since June 2013, partly because I have gotten rid of my girlie stuff, I have been regularly in touch with “feminine side” by visiting different blogs, watching YouTube videos and so on.

I have no idea what 2014 hold for me. All I want to do this year is to lose a LOT of weight and get back in shape. I also want to take care of my skin. I hope to “transform” myself into a skinny, muscular guy so that I can also fit into small girlie outfits. 😉

I guess I went from coming out analysis to weight gain issues. Haha! So sorry for that. I hope I write more this year.

Thanks for reading.

Straight Cross-dressers & Women – Part II

A few months ago, I asked my friend what she thinks of “men who like to dress-up like girls”. Her response was – “I don’t have any to do or say about such people”.  It is strange how a piece of cloth and makeup, or an accessory wore by a man can suddenly change people’s perception about him.

Another incident that happened to me last week – I was with my friends, having dinner. Sometimes, my lips tend to appear pink and that gives it a feminine look; or that is what my friends say. In middle of our conversation, one of my female friend giggled and said – “you will feel bad when I tell you this… but your lips looks like you’ve applied lip gloss”. First thing, I was flattered. Second, I know this isn’t an insult. But then, can you sense the underlying, subtle thoughts? Why the giggling? Why she thought I should feel bad about it? Why there isn’t a sincere, appreciative gesture? I feel it is, again, a form of being perceived as “inferior” just because I somehow displayed a feminine aspect of my physical self. Or may be I’m just over-thinking!

I am saddened by the fact that I never met a girl in my life that isn’t fond of cross-dressers and still encourages and takes it positively, rather than seeing it being inferior, laughable, funny or demeaning. Of course, girls who like cross-dressers do not count because they, obviously, don’t see this as disrespectful or funny. What I would really like to see is a woman or a girl who isn’t into cross-dressing men and still sees it positively and considers it normal.

Straight Cross-dressers & Women – Part I

One of the thoughts that always bother a straight cross-dresser is finding a woman who not accepts him but also actively indulges in him cross-dressing lifestyle. I have always had fear that I will be perceived differently by women if I tell them I’m a cross-dresser. This also applies to men who know me. [Watch this video: Scene from film ‘Ed Wood’, I completely relate to Johnny Depp’s character] I’m moderately muscular, have interests in gadgets, and keep myself busy reading and researching on topics which appeal to me. You wouldn’t see feminine or ‘pansy’ quality if you ever meet me. Deep down I have this secret that only few of my female friends know. Why is it difficult to find women who are into cross-dressers?

On the other hand, women are allowed are wear jeans and shirts. If a woman works in office, or even works as a soldier, she is congratulated and looked highly upon. While taking on female behavior by any man is considered humiliating, degrading and, often, these men are labelled being gay or faggot, or a sissy.

So the whole point is that – society celebrates anything that ‘becomes masculine’ and rejects anything that ‘becomes feminine’. I came across his awesome video (Click here to watch) blog by Laci Green that you guys should check it out.

So the divine question is – How straight cross-dressers will ever find their dream girlfriend or female companion? Sure there are some extended thoughts on the same topic which I will be sharing in new blog posts. But I will like to know the answers from you. Please do share your thoughts in the comments section below.

Rebecca Watson

Who am I?

Hello readers,

I have no idea how this blog is going to turn out. I feel this blog will be my personal space. A place where I will express myself fearlessly.

So who am I?

I was born in India, in a city very close to Mumbai. I am 25 years old now, and I’m an occasional cross-dresser!

I have great, loving parents. They have always been my inspiration. I wouldn’t use words like “blessed” or “fortunate” because I am a non-believer and also don’t have any faith in luck or destiny. I believe in free will and leading your own life, rather than just living the way it shows up. Having said this, I am completely okay with other belief systems.

I first cross-dressed when I was 12 years old. I put on my mother’s makeup. It was a lipstick and some blush on my cheeks. Like any cross-dresser, or transgendered person – I felt happy, but at the same time I was confused. I didn’t think much though. I had other things going on in my life that occupied my mind and I didn’t take my cross-dressing seriously.

In this blog, I will try to connect with many cross-dressers and cross-dresser loving people. I am up for discussions and expanding my online social circle. I won’t be disclosing too much information and my thoughts on this blog entry as I consider it an introductory post.

See you soon guys! And yes, I will always say this – follow your heart and do the damn thing that makes you happy! Goodbye for now.