Part I: Guilt:
I was just having a conversation with my female friend. She’s a very bubbly type of person, pretty, have brown eyes, long dark hair and very girlie types. She does not really have an idea about my cross-dressing desires. For her, just like most of the people in my life, I’m a masculine, non-emotional guy.
We both were talking about the book “Fifty Shades of Grey”. I downloaded it today because we had a brief conversation on the same book yesterday as well and my curiosity woken up again and I decided to finally download it on my iPad and read it eventually. Again, in our phone conversation, we ended up talking about the book. I told her why I plan to read this book – which was to understand what attracts women, what they want from guys and how they like to be treated. I’m fully aware that I was generalizing all the women around the world and, in fact, many women don’t like to indulge in BDSM lifestyle. She too pointed out that to me.
This topic led me to finally ask her what do women in general discuss about guys and their personal sex lives. I had known answer but I wanted to find one more assurance from my female friend. As expected, she said that most women discuss about most parts of their lives with each other. Of course, here she meant that the conversations like these only take place between two trusting and close female friends. I expressed my disappointment because I feel that’s unfair to share every tiny detail of one’s sex life with another person. Guys don’t do that, women do. You know why I felt that way. As a cross-dresser, I sometimes feel guilty. The guy side of me wants kill the girl within me. He wishes she never existed. Another thing, which I haven’t told to anyone yet except three close friends, is that I have never been physically intimate with a woman. Once when I did, I was not able to perform. She has no idea about this – about my sex life and cross-dressing. Yes, I’m a virgin. I do like women. I’m almost 26 now. It sucks. My insecurities about myself, my sexuality and my inability to perform while having sex burst in one second. To add to my disappointment, she also told me how women sometimes do make fun of guys who couldn’t perform or who are treated as guys-to-be-avoided.
This, by now, has crushed my already wounded self-esteem. I imagined how a woman might tell her friends about me, how sissy I am (because most women are not into cross-dressers and assume them to be gay) and how I couldn’t perform as a man – may be because I am a girl deep inside – is what they might conclude among themselves. I’m so dead.
Part II: Desperation
Trust me, every time I see a pretty woman, I feel desperate to show her my feminine side. I want to sit with her in a pink room, get slightly drunk, and whisper in her ears that I love to dress up like a girl and then I want to see her reaction. Reactions get me. The reason sometimes I dress up like a girl and broadcast myself on webcam to strangers on internet is to see their reactions. I love that part for some reason. Also when I see a pretty woman, I get confused whether I should have sex with her or turn myself into pretty looking woman like her. Getting back to the “desperation” point, I find myself always wanting to tell every pretty female friend I have about my cross-dressing habit. I’m not sure why.
Part III: Sympathy
Yes, the second word that comes to my mind is – loser. I crave for some sort of sympathy because I’m poor, little guy who couldn’t find a woman because he likes to cross-dress. Not that I like this part of me but maybe it’s the girl inside me who wants to be too sensitive, make fuss about her problems and want someone to cuddle her up and tell her “it’s going to be alright, baby. I’m here for you”, and then protect her like she is one weak (and very pretty) girl in a problem!
Phew! I’m done with the crying and complaining. Now I’ll get back to my guy life. Thanks for reading.